What NOT To Put In Your Yard

I fancy myself as somewhat of an interior decorating whiz (as seen here).
 
One of the most beautiful things about interior design is right there, built into the name. Interior. As in "on the inside".
 
I can drive a mile in every direction without so much as a glimpse of your zebra print wallpaper, wicker dining set or your impressive collection of decorative roosters (or deco-cocks as I call them).
 
As beautiful as that fact is, it's equally torturous that I can't even look out my window without seeing some landscaping monstrosity. Your front lawn is your exterior design opportunity, your outward appearance and your primary shot at a favorable first impression (before the guests come in and notice your "wall of Precious Moments").
 
Here's a (incomplete) guide to the things that just don't belong in front of your abode...

	Lawn Balls or Gazing Balls   Description: Perhaps the most common lawn offense, the lawn ball is a ghastly mistake for any location. Your lawn is not a Christmas tree and should not be adorned as such.   Lawn balls come in many styles and colors but they have one thing in common - they are all ugly and wrong.   The one benign effect of the proliferation of lawn balls is the creation of the game of "lawn ball" as detailed in the rules of the United Federation of Lawn Balls International website. Even this is bittersweet.   What they say about you: I'm elderly and no one cares about me.   OR   I've taken a lot of LSD and now I just can't resist surrounding myself with shiny things.
	Historical Farm Equipment   Description: A day spent at the Historical Farm Implements Museum is sure to be a delight for every boy and girl but when it's time to leave the museum, we really have to leave all of the museum behind.   Farming equipment is typically large and covered with sharp edges and pointies. Farm equipment of yesteryear is also prone to rust.   Don't transform your front yard into a tetanus trap.   What they say about you: Mommy's hot for Amish.
	Campaign Signage   Description: Similar to butt holes, we all have our own opinions but also similarly we don't always need to cram them in the faces of every passerby. It's gross in both situations.   You are advertising. Plain and simple. You've transformed your property into a commercial and in a few months you've got a 50/50 shot of announcing to the world that you've just supported a loser.   Expressing your political views is of the utmost importance but your lawn is not the optimal soap box. Take it to the internet like everybody else, grandma.   What they say about you: I think the world needs more billboards and TV needs more commercials.
	Pink Flamingos   Description: Pink flamingos were first conceived in 1957 at the height of "Florida fever". Since then they have run a complete cycle of acceptance, ending in the original manufacturer, Union Products, closing it's doors in October of '06.   From common lawn ornamentation, to trashy, to kitsch icon, to ironic hipster statement and now they have found they're final resting place in the lawns of the landscaping-retarded.   What they say about you: I was born without the gift of sight.

 
Here are a few helpful resources in the vein of lawn ornamentation...

• Life and Lawns - a blog about the finer points of lawn maintenance.
• Ugly Mailbox - usually the forward-most part of your lawn and thus potentially the first visual atrocity.

In conclusion, when dressing up your lawn, ask yourself "Is this nice or is this crap?" at every opportunity.