I Destroy Your Memes

Who comes up with these memes anyway? Who says to themselves "My friends should write about what I want them to write about. I'll publicly call them out so if they don't comply, they'll feel like jerks and then I'll demand that they do the same." I picture these people surrounded by cats, logging on to their AOL accounts (on their Macs) and frequently consulting with their wicked collection of Beanie Babies for inspiration.
 
When is the last time you read one of these that didn't begin with an apology or an excuse? "I usually don't do this kind of thing..." or "I was tagged by a good friend so I'll try to make this quick...".
 
When you're tagged you are presented with two equally shitty options...

1. Ignore it. Pretend you didn't see it so you don't have to participate. Someone linked to you and possibly drove some traffic your way but you've now chosen to blow them off. You've effectively stated that you're too good for their childish crap and you've said it publicly. You've become the asshole at the party who up and leaves when the host breaks out the Twister mat. Why couldn't you just play along, jack-ass?
2. Submit. No matter what the requirements, you do it. You write about some lame crap that nobody reading your blog actually cares about and then you become the ass by tagging ten of your friends. You've perpetuated that which you despise and you've spread the lameness like an infected peanut butter on the bread of humanity. You're like that guy with drug-resistant TB who hopped a plane to Europe and back. Except you've got leprosy and you've decided to take a swim in the water supply for all of California.

They're both lose-lose situations.
 
So I've adopted a new personal policy.
Send me your memes.
Tag me like it's going outta style.
But be warned - I will mock you and your website no matter how much I like you. I will change the rules of your meme and twist it into whatever I want it to be. I will fill it with lies and misinformation and in the end I will drive it straight into the ground. Your meme will burn in the pages of GorillaSushi.com. and I will fiddle (yes, fiddle) over it.
 
So without further ado...
 
Allison Hannigan from AboutSomethingOrTheOtherThing tagged me with the "8 Random Facts" meme. It's ok, it's not her fault. It should be noted that this meme is completely different than the "4 things" and "30 things" memes.  The rules are as follows... 

• Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
• Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
• Players should tag 8 other people and notify them that they have been tagged.
• All facts must be completely legit or not at all.
• All fact challenges will go for a vote by the group - players losing a challenge will be banished to Jenga Island.
• At least one new word must be created for further use in the English Language. "Farple" has already been taken.

So here's 8 random things about me...

1. Part of my job description includes the phrase "tearing apart live cows with my bare hands".
2. When I lived in L.A. I tried out for the part of Woody on Cheers. After getting rejected I went on an intense year-long bender. When I came out of it I was living in Alaska with a family of grizzly bears.
3. My left eye is nearsighted and my right eye sees Tootsie Rolls everywhere.
4. I am certified and licensed to juggle hamsters in Brazil.
5. I wasted over $380 incinerating blank CDs before I learned that "burning" actually means "to write data to".
6. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
7. My cat can eat a whole watermelon.
8. I once dated Lindsay Lohan for 3.5 hours. She described me as having "a majestic wit and a pleasurable demeanor".
9. I am legally forbidden to operate a blender in all of the lower 48 states.
10. Some people read tea leaves or tarot cards - I can read your cheese curds.
11. My sister was once fired from her job at the Sperm Bank. As an act of vengeance I helped her pull a prank on her last day. I have at least 96 beautiful children.
12. I still don't get why hitting the Esc key doesn't help me get out of sticky legal situations.
13. When inventing the internet my original concept was based around modified midget tossing.

And I tag the following 8 people...

• Abe Vigoda
• Raw Meat
• The 9th Dimension
• Hayden Panettiere

 Oh, and Internets? I have one word for you - bring it.