The Hairy Snake Monster

Last night, shortly after returning home from work, the wife says “There’s a surprise somewhere in the house…” After a few rounds of questions I began to get the feeling that my “surprise” was not going to be surprising at all and it may even possibly piss me off. A few hours later, as we are getting ready for bed, she says “Your surprise is in this room!” I look around to find… HOLY CRAP!! WHAT IS IT??
 
Apparently 3 years of hair built up in a shower drain will produce a festering, smelly, tangled snake-monster! I decided to take another shot with something to show size and scale. Ironically the first common household item I found was a pair of scissors. Shortly after this photo was taken the scissors jumped up, sprinted through the house and jumped out of a second story window, falling to a gruesome death below.
 
So now here I am, next morning, wondering what to do with this monstrosity. It’s just too unique to throw away. My first instinct when I find something around the house is to eat it.
 
Just before the snake-monster crossed my lips I remembered that hair is composed of hard keratin (a family of proteins ranging in size from 20,000 to 70,000 Daltons) and is chemically denser than other forms of keratin (e.g., calluses, dander flakes) and keratinized cells contain more than 85% protein. That’s just too much protein for someone like me who’s watching their girlish figure. Heehee, I put that fork right back in the drawer! See if you can guess which one it was!
 
So what to do with it? We’ve been talking about buying a new door mat to more reflect our personal style. I think this hairy mutation says volumes about the happy family beyond this threshold.
 
I really think I can pull off voodoo priest or raving lunatic with a lot more authenticity now. It’s the kind of doormat that says “I won’t read your newspaper, your religion doesn’t pertain to me, you don’t have the kind of magazine subscriptions I would be interested in and most importantly, I won’t buy your candy but there’s a good possibility that I will eat both you and your little sister.” Adios, Jehovas Witnesses! I’m afraid a sweet doormat like that would just get stolen. So while thinking up a better use, we just chilled on the couch for a while. I had to put down a towel because the little guy was still a little wet. Notice the intense interest Ralphy is showing! That gives me an idea! “Here kitty, kitty”
“Look here, what is that, kitty?”
“Yeah, fun kitty toy!”
“Kitty, what are you doing?”
“OH GROSS!! KITTY, NO!!”
 
Nevermind that.
 
So the only only option I have left is of course a blockbuster summer movie. I’ve put together this short trailer. Be sure your speakers are on.

I’m contractually obligated to inform you that SexyOfficeChair appears “courtesy of his own bad self.” I had to stand in for the lead female character in the trailer – you would be surprised how few people answer a 5am Friday morning casting call.
 
Well, I’m running out of ideas so I’ll just do what I always end up doing. Hide it somewhere in the house and let the wife discover it when she least expects it!