The FCC & Kiddieocracy

Kids.  Gotta hate 'em.  In the eternal struggle to protect our youngins from the horrors of the world (sex, drugs, rock & roll) the FCC monitors every *bleepin* thing that is airwaved to us.  We've long settled into an uneasy truce with these regulations over the years.  We won't show no 'privates' and we won't cuss much in return for pretty much allowing us to see our serial soaps of the nocturnal variety without much watering down.  If you are really interested in the steamy scenes that the MPAA Censors snip, snipped then, by golly, you can pony up for the Unrated and Uncut DVD and wallow in filth to your hearts content.  Besides, there's always Cable TV.  We can pay to play, so to speak.  HBO, SHO, etc are our Real Movie Outlets on the Small Screen with no damn, sorry, darn commercials to tivo through. Most of the really good stuff is shunted to the late hour to protect our sacred children's virgin ears and eyes.  Sleepy time ankle-biters, Bikini Carwash is coming on at 11.  We even have technology to help protect those rugrats.  It's called the V-Chip. If you invent it they will ignore it seems to be the case here.  Hell, err, heck, we can't even program the time on grandma's VCR, let alone figure out that V-Chip Technology!  My God of the Christian Persuasion Man! I'm not a Brain Surgeon, I'm just a Country Doctor!

Ever since the Janet Jackson Super Breast Fiasco, the FCC has been Heckbent on regulating the Life out of TV.  Kids saw Tit! Kids saw Tit!  Thus there were much gnashing of teeth in Washington, heavy fines levied for such shocking display of carnal variety.  Left wing plots to undermine our children's virtue were exposed and breasts everywhere were declared unfit for human consumption.  Coverups were exposed as well.  Lots of exposure but none of the mammarian variety.  Just as we, The Dirty Liberals, began to think the FCC Legal Tsunami had finally passed and we were once again free to Adult Swim... ba dum... ba dum... (Jaws Theme Music insert here) ... The FCC is baaaack!

This time the Fine, Censor and Castrate (FCC)  is going after Violence on TV.  Shows like 24 and .. 24 as well as, uh, 24 are making us a nation of gun toting killers!  We must regulate these, uh, this,  show for our own good (and the good of our children!)  And this time we (they) mean business!  In order to once and for all control what the *bleep* we see on the boobtube, they are once more going to the Kiddy Pool.  Their pending legislation is heavily couched as being necessary FOR THE GOOD OF THE CHILDREN.  Which makes it pretty dang difficult for those Heathen Lefties to fight such Government Intrusion into Joe Sixpack's Day to Day.  No one wants to go on record as being against the welfare of the children, right? (and there will be records, oh yes!) Assuming passage of this moralistic hogwash (there I've said it!) we can pretty much count on: A Watered Down Network of Bland, Nonviolent / Nonsexual Entertainment. Remember in the 80's when all of the Cop Shows became parodies of themselves?  TJ Hooker.  Police Woman.  Such as that were the pablum of the times ... due to pressure on the Big 3 (ABC, NBC, CBS) to severely downplay any violence.  Cops that don't shoot people but instead tackle them.  A-Team like histrionics to defang the 'Good Guys' (while the bad guys spray a million bullets but miraculously completely miss our heroes).  This is the world the FCC wants us to return to.  Father knows best. 

Oh, but that's just the tip of this legalistic iceberg.  The FCC will extend this V-Chip by fiat to the Cable Channels in general.  In other words, the legislation they are carefully crafting isn't aimed at just the 'broadcasters' (ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX) but will be applied to ALL Cable Television.  ALL 500+ Channels will be under the thumb of a roomful of power lunchers and the Christian Right of Way.  You can pretty much write off the Western Channel.  One silver lining in all this lunacy is that we might just get our long sought wish:  Ala Carte Channels.  We can decide EXACTLY what channels we want to have (Goodbye QVC! Hello IFC!)  Even so, is this really a workable solution?  Are we being snowballed into McCarthism Hell?  Will we regulate all the 'juice' out television?  Relegating all hints of the "real" world (guns and bitch-slaps) to the dark hours beyond 10pm EST? Is Drama doomed?  Controversy and Artistic Expression be damned, err... darned!  We Must Protect The Children!

Zenny, TV Critical