A Snapshot of Impending Doom

My lunchtimes at work are filled with frantic magazine perusals. My subconscious knows that the more information I read, the more celebrity gossip and the more pictures I absorb, the less I'll think about work and my lunch can become somewhat of an escape.
 
I usually go for the newspaper. I can cover everything but the sports section in about 20 minutes. If there's no paper, I go for the trade magazines or Mens' Journal. If I've already read those, my options are Boating World, Car and Driver, O (Oprah's Magazine) or ESPN magazine. ESPN puts together a pretty nice magazine (that coming from someone who could care less about the sporting world) with articles that extend beyond the normal sporting fare. My favorite section by far is Zoom. A collection of larger than life, full page pictures captured at the perfect millisecond in the action.
 
I recently came across the picture below and it's been haunting me ever since.

The caption reads:

Bleacher Bum Rush
Like front row swells at a Blue Man Group Show, hoops fans near the floor know that with intimacy comes the possibility of danger...

I could probably track a few people in this picture down and beg for an interview but that would involve motivation and other nastiness. Instead I've skipped the legwork and present to you the interviews as they would probably go and some detailed descriptions of the scene and those involved. The names are made up but everything else is sure to be true.

Jenny and Bill Jenny only goes to the games because it's what Bill loves and she knows that if they can share it, they can salvage their marriage. Jenny won't have to drink so much, smoke behind the shed or spend hours on the phone crying to her mom. Bill doesn't care if he's here or on the couch. As long as he's watching the game.   Jenny: "I wish I had planted a garden before I died!" Bill: "Yeah, a bear versus a shark. That would rule."

Hildegarde Life at home sucks but the Prozac has given Hilde a renewed vigor for exploring the world around her. As if the rules of basketball weren't hard enough to understand in a prescription fog, now the players are no longer contained to the playing surface?   Hilde: "Fascinating. I might consider raising an eyebrow at these shenanigans"

Penny All through college Penny took pride in her clique/gender defying abilities. She had a love of sports yet seemed to emasculate the few men in her life who shared her love. She loved to drink...and drink and drink but had a hard time getting invited to parties. Marriage was a goal of hers but right now there's no time. Between her prestigious job as a toll collector, keeping up on Nascar and keeping her cats in line, a husband would just be an annoyance.   Penny: "If I lose another tooth tonight, I'm gunna  be PISSED!"

"Southside Shorty" It's a well known fact that all midgets love basketball. Southside is no exception. Paying to watch humans three times your size run up and down court is like having a ringside seat on the top of Mt. Olympus. Looking into the eyes of a player is like facing the steely gaze of Zeus himself.   Shorty: "Shit! I'm 'bout to get stomped, ya'll!!"

Mike from Accounting Crappy job, crappy wife, crappy kids and pretty much crappy everything. Mike's only escape from the drudgery of everyday life had been the small collection of comic books (graphic novels Mike insisted on calling them) he kept out in the garage where Sheila or the kids would never see. Who would have thought that losing himself in the heroics within their pages would one day come in handy.   Mike: "This is what I've been waiting for. Super-Mike MUST catch you!!"

Alberto Jr. Lip reading, also known as lipreading, speech reading, or speechreading, is a technique of understanding speech by visually interpreting the movements of the lips, face and tongue with information provided by the context, language, and any residual hearing. Often time a trained eye will even be able to to pick up a full sentence from one still image. In this case the sentence is obvious...   Al: "Exit stage left!"

Genie You would be amazed at how a streak of bad luck can turn into a lifestyle. Genie's seen the worst of it but prides herself on sticking it out. Over the last 4 years, disaster has struck at every public event she has attended. At first it caught her off guard but now disaster is as routine as breakfast. Hands up, left foot up, right leg protects crotch and stomach. Check. We are ready for take-off.    Genie: "I wonder if he likes my shoes. Did I leave the oven on?"

Pam (the most doomed) Pam didn't want to be here but it seemed like the best way to pay off her favor-debt to Genie. Genie had seen the pool boy coming over to Pam's even through the colder weather but hadn't thought much of it. When the pool boy's bloody body was found hog tied in Pam's bed she knew that she would need helping making this one go away for good. Genie had a trash compacter and an extensive collection of cleaning supplies.   Pam: "oh fuck"

Kristen and Judy Neither one of these bumbling idiots would know what to do if they were ever in any kind of real trouble. After watching enough daytime TV, your catalog of emotional reactions is reduced to those of a typical Jerry Springer Show audience. Note the hands have assumed the "clawing cat" pose.   Kristen: "Oooooo Jeez, that's going to HURT!" Judy: "You go girl!"

David and Pauly There's a time for everything. Even voodoo.   David: "See I told you I could hypnotize a basketball. Check it out! You totally owe me $50!"   Pauly: "There's no scientific way of discerning whether or not that thing is hypnotized or not. I'm not even sure that you can prove to me that that ball is even conscious or capable of simple thought. Hey, didn't I tell you to wait until after the game anyway? That's bad JuJu!"